Oftentimes while grieving, we’re told, “It just takes time” or “Time heals all wombs.” Truth is, it’s not time itself, but it’s what we DO with that time that prevents us from getting stuck in our grief and keeps us moving forward.
Today, June 15 makes nineteen years since my mom died. I realize that I have now lived more years of my life without her than the fifteen years she was physically here with me. I miss her every single day, even more so now that I have my own children. For the first eleven years after her death, I was very BUSY. I was still in high school, got my first job nine months later, continued high school, graduated, started college, joined a sorority, graduated from college after four years, landed my first full-time job, started grad school, graduated, worked full time all the way up until I got married and moved to Atlanta, Georgia…without a new job lined up.
…I was forced to be still”
For the first time since my mom’s death, I was forced to “be still.” I had no children, no job, and no close friends to hang out with. I was in a new environment with no obligations or distractions, other than job-searching of course. It wasn’t until that time that I realized I had never actively grieved and processed the loss of my mom. I had spent all of those years staying busy and attempting to avoid burdening friends and family with my grief. I tried to “be strong” and never allow anyone to see me in those random moments when I was ambushed with intense emotions, sometimes triggered by the smallest things. All of those years had passed by, and yet some days I secretly felt like my grief was too much to bare.
So what did I do? I started tending to my pain, and facing it head on. I read books about grief, specifically Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman and Life After Loss by Bob Deits. Reading about it normalized my grief and brought out the emotions that I had suppressed for years. I learned that my emotions needed motion, and even if they were not expressed publicly, I still needed to let them out. Next, I joined a grief “recovery” group that challenged me to take action steps towards letting go of the pain…without “letting go” of my mother. I am forever grateful for that group!
“You can have God and a therapist too!”
Looking back, if I could talk to my fifteen-year-old self, I would say “Girl, you don’t have to ‘be strong’ or hide your emotions! Some people may be uncomfortable with your grief and not know how to support you, and that’s okay. They are human too. This is going to be a journey, so pack up your patience and some supportive, compassionate, and nonjudgmental people to take with you. Talk about your mom! You don’t have to let go of her…carry her with you as you move forward in your life. And guess what? You can have God AND a good therapist too! He often sends people to walk alongside us in our darkest moments. You don’t have to grieve alone!”
“Keep moving forward as best as you can.”
With that being said, my grief journey may look different from yours. In fact, no two people have the same grief experience. We all grieve in our own ways. We heal in our own ways. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating the grief journey. What worked for me may not work for you. Even if you have lost your mother, I can never say, “I know how you feel.” But what I can tell you is to be patient with yourself. If you feel like you are “stuck” in your grief, reach out for help. Don’t grieve alone. Be willing to accept help from trusted others, and keep moving forward as best as you can. Most importantly, no matter how tough the journey may seem, never lose hope and never give up!